Tuesday, January 13th, 2009

(no subject)

Tuesday, January 13th, 2009 21:33
hellsphreak: (Default)
I really do not know why I am bothering with a blogpost tonight. I have nothing to say and nothing to contribute of substance. I just feel like typing down words that would either have little or no meaning, or somehow become significant throughout the entry.

I feel completely alone and alienated tonight. Yes, I have been feeling that way ever since I moved out here, but even more so tonight. I do not know why. I am so far away from everybody. I was recently dumped, which just refueled my feelings of rejection. The last time I had been dumped was by Jeff ([livejournal.com profile] insolent_pool) and it did not hit me half as hard as this one did. Perhaps because I knew Jeff was way too young to take on a ready-made family to begin with. Regardless, I have been dumped and I feel unworthy of anyone and anything. Granted, it is only a feeling that one experiences for a brief period of time after being dumped, but it is here now and that is how I am feeling at the moment.

I want to go back to when things were going well for me. I want to go back to when I was still in college and living on my own with Zoya. I want to go back to the first couple of months when Teddy came back into our lives. I want to go back to the night that Zara was born, before we knew the CPS was after our asses. I want to go back to the first two weeks I lived in Oklahoma. I want to go back to all the times when I was happy and content and worry-free.

I am so tired. I have not been doing much of anything, but I am tired. I am having to rebuild my life for the umpteenth time, and it is tiring. This time, it is especially harder because I am now in a different State, away from everybody except my childhood friend. I love and appreciate her so much, but she is the only person I know in this entire State. And I have friends from all over the USA. Go figure.

I should stop harping on about being so far away from everyone. I should be happy that a friend took my girls and I in and gave us a safe, secure place to live. And I am. Believe me, I am! Very much so.

I just do not know how much strength I have left in me to keep going. To keep convincing myself to not give up. Before you get the wrong idea, I am not considering suicide. I cannot - I have a brand new baby to rear and a 10 year old girl who is entirely dependent on me because I am the only constant thing in her life right now. When I say "give up" I mean in an emotional and mental way.

Truth is I am terrified. Opal has always wanted to just up and leave, and start anew, but she has always been afraid to do just that. I did it, and I'm just now becoming scared. I do not understand it, but that is that.

I need to start working on my long-abandoned novel again. I seem to have lost a few chapters that I had added on. Thankfully, I have the hard-copy for the first three chapters. Teach me to save my work on e-mail or something because HDs and FD/TD/JD are not very reliable.

Well, the last two people I was chatting with has gone on to bed and Opal is not around, so I might as well just shut this thing down and watch another movie....

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hellsphreak

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