Hi

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009 05:48
hellsphreak: (Default)
Been some time since I updated last. Life interferes with LJ... how dare it?!

I cannot stop pooping. I do not mean diarrhea or constipation. I mean your regular run-of-the-mill pooping. I do not know where the hell it hides, or how it can hold so much poop. Nearly every hour, I'm cussing at my colon.. What the fucking fuck, colon?! You have to release a shitbomb again?? Srsly, quit it! Really, it's getting ridiculous.

Michael is off to school once again. We are considering buying a home soon. 30k, one thousand down, rent is approximately $300 a month. House needs a lot of work, but he and I are able. Well, he can fix things and I can break stuff for him to fix. I somehow doubt he would find that amusing... Anyway, I will update on that once I know more.

Those FML feeds is getting on my nerves lately. Seriously, who cares if you spent a bazillion dollars preparing a proposal scene; she had the balls to propose instead, and money can't buy that kind of love! Get over it, asswipe.

Zara all of a sudden cannot live without the yellow baby blanket she's had since before birth. This happened overnight, it seems. At least she isn't sucking on her thumb or pacifier like some other toddlers I've seen. Up here, babies get spoiled.

Zoya is her usual follow-the-leader self. I wish she would be her own person, and be a leader, but that's her personality, who am I to try to change who she is?

Zebediah is okay, as far as I know. Fractured his leg when Mary's huge 52" TV fell on it. Don't ask.

And then the colon calls...again. Argh!

(no subject)

Tuesday, January 13th, 2009 21:33
hellsphreak: (Default)
I really do not know why I am bothering with a blogpost tonight. I have nothing to say and nothing to contribute of substance. I just feel like typing down words that would either have little or no meaning, or somehow become significant throughout the entry.

I feel completely alone and alienated tonight. Yes, I have been feeling that way ever since I moved out here, but even more so tonight. I do not know why. I am so far away from everybody. I was recently dumped, which just refueled my feelings of rejection. The last time I had been dumped was by Jeff ([livejournal.com profile] insolent_pool) and it did not hit me half as hard as this one did. Perhaps because I knew Jeff was way too young to take on a ready-made family to begin with. Regardless, I have been dumped and I feel unworthy of anyone and anything. Granted, it is only a feeling that one experiences for a brief period of time after being dumped, but it is here now and that is how I am feeling at the moment.

I want to go back to when things were going well for me. I want to go back to when I was still in college and living on my own with Zoya. I want to go back to the first couple of months when Teddy came back into our lives. I want to go back to the night that Zara was born, before we knew the CPS was after our asses. I want to go back to the first two weeks I lived in Oklahoma. I want to go back to all the times when I was happy and content and worry-free.

I am so tired. I have not been doing much of anything, but I am tired. I am having to rebuild my life for the umpteenth time, and it is tiring. This time, it is especially harder because I am now in a different State, away from everybody except my childhood friend. I love and appreciate her so much, but she is the only person I know in this entire State. And I have friends from all over the USA. Go figure.

I should stop harping on about being so far away from everyone. I should be happy that a friend took my girls and I in and gave us a safe, secure place to live. And I am. Believe me, I am! Very much so.

I just do not know how much strength I have left in me to keep going. To keep convincing myself to not give up. Before you get the wrong idea, I am not considering suicide. I cannot - I have a brand new baby to rear and a 10 year old girl who is entirely dependent on me because I am the only constant thing in her life right now. When I say "give up" I mean in an emotional and mental way.

Truth is I am terrified. Opal has always wanted to just up and leave, and start anew, but she has always been afraid to do just that. I did it, and I'm just now becoming scared. I do not understand it, but that is that.

I need to start working on my long-abandoned novel again. I seem to have lost a few chapters that I had added on. Thankfully, I have the hard-copy for the first three chapters. Teach me to save my work on e-mail or something because HDs and FD/TD/JD are not very reliable.

Well, the last two people I was chatting with has gone on to bed and Opal is not around, so I might as well just shut this thing down and watch another movie....

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hellsphreak

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