hellsphreak: (geeky sarcasm)
Tomorrow night, I will be a married woman. For the first time in my life, I will finally have been legally claimed as someone's very own. The very thought scares me, as I have avoided marriage for all of my adult life. Only once have I came damned close to being married, and this was 12 years ago. Luckily, I came to my senses and ripped that marriage certificate into shreds. Good thing I did, too, as the girls' biological father was not for me, no matter how long and how much effort I put in trying to make us work.

I don't know what will be different and what will be the same. Well, the basics of marriage, of course, will include having to share every assets from thereon, having to work really hard on communication, compromising, and the lot. Those are a given. I'm talking about the deeper aspect of it. Will marriage cause us grief or pure joy? Will Beast realize that this isn't what he thought it would be and start to resent our vows? I'd like to believe that he never will come to that point. And myself, as well.

It's been a whirlwind of an adult life, meeting significant others, leaving significant others, being dumped by significant others. A lot of tears, frustration, anger, hurt and sorrow. And endless arrays of pieces I've had to pick up and repair all over again with each failed relationship. All those flings have only taught me one thing, and that is that flings are meaningless, worthless and useless. Just a means to an end, mostly to satisfy a physical/sexual craving of which I barely enjoyed.

I am ready. By gods, I am truly, completely ready to be a real adult. That's not to say those who chose to remain a bachelor/bachelorette are not real adults. I simply mean that, for me, my avoidance of such a huge commitment rendered me childish in my own judgment of myself. I am finally ready to grow up and act as a mother should act... as a doting wife and mother.

I just wish I weren't such a ball of nerves right now. Not because I am fearful of being married to the person who claimed my heart so long ago. But because I'm getting married! I can't explain it any other way that would make more sense to you. But it makes sense to me.

So long and adieu, Miss Clota Lynn Wilkerson... you are to be replaced by Mrs. Clota Lynn Stoffel soon. Nice knowing you!

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hellsphreak

December 2012

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