hellsphreak | Recent Entries

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Well, if Baby Stoffel doesn't come anytime soon, I'm due for a form of induction on November 5th, a week from my EDD. They're afraid she would get too big to wait and risk having to be delivered via caesarean section. Fine with me, I'm tired if carrying this kid inside of me. This pregnancy has been hell on me, on my body.

Our money troubles are getting worse, especially this week and next. Despite a better pay/more hours, we are still falling short. I'm not even sure we can meet the monthly car payment this weekend and definitely not my cell bill. I need my phone, damn it, especially with being so close to giving birth. I don't know what to do other than ask for a loan to tide us over on the bills. But everyone I know has financial woes lately. Must be something in the air. /sigh

The baby shower was fun and I received a lot of cute things for her. She just needs to come out already to enjoy them, hah.

Back to sleep. I barely got any last night, and for the past few months. Ugh.

I came home with a new car after all!

2006 Nissan Altima with less than 55k miles and a clear accident record. This car is actually worth more than the Blue Book value because of its upkeep and condition.

For the first time in my life, I am nearly broke and happy about it!

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

So, I went in for my first sonogram this morning. I wasn't exactly pleased with the results. Though the heartbeat is perfect and strong, the fetus only measured 8w2d. I am 9w4d along in the pregnancy.

Many have reassured me that it isn't uncommon, but the last time a fetus didn't measure up to how far along I was, I miscarried. So, forgive me for not having a more positive outlook at this point.

My first prenatal appointment is on the 17th. I have been referred to a high-risk specialist. Perhaps s/he can offer a more detailed outline of how well the fetus is adapting inside of me. They did take shitloads of blood from me, after all.

Tomorrow, I will see if we can get a better car. The Volvo S40 just isn't cutting it anymore. It now takes 15 miles to the gallon.... on the highway! I've been chugging out 4 gallons a day just to get to work and back... Yeah, its got to go.

Okay, the three year old is cranky and loud and throwing a fit. Time to deal with reality.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Current Location: Cleburne, TX

We have been married for almost 2 weeks (tomorrow), and I still can't believe it! I have a husband! He is my husband!

Husband....

Never thought I'd ever live to see the day I'd be married. Happily married.

To him.

That, in itself, makes those last 7 years worth it.

I love my husband, and I can't say it enough... husband!!

Current Mood: chipper

The Phreak is....MARRIED!!

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Location: Weatherford, TX

Tomorrow night, I will be a married woman. For the first time in my life, I will finally have been legally claimed as someone's very own. The very thought scares me, as I have avoided marriage for all of my adult life. Only once have I came damned close to being married, and this was 12 years ago. Luckily, I came to my senses and ripped that marriage certificate into shreds. Good thing I did, too, as the girls' biological father was not for me, no matter how long and how much effort I put in trying to make us work.

I don't know what will be different and what will be the same. Well, the basics of marriage, of course, will include having to share every assets from thereon, having to work really hard on communication, compromising, and the lot. Those are a given. I'm talking about the deeper aspect of it. Will marriage cause us grief or pure joy? Will Beast realize that this isn't what he thought it would be and start to resent our vows? I'd like to believe that he never will come to that point. And myself, as well.

It's been a whirlwind of an adult life, meeting significant others, leaving significant others, being dumped by significant others. A lot of tears, frustration, anger, hurt and sorrow. And endless arrays of pieces I've had to pick up and repair all over again with each failed relationship. All those flings have only taught me one thing, and that is that flings are meaningless, worthless and useless. Just a means to an end, mostly to satisfy a physical/sexual craving of which I barely enjoyed.

I am ready. By gods, I am truly, completely ready to be a real adult. That's not to say those who chose to remain a bachelor/bachelorette are not real adults. I simply mean that, for me, my avoidance of such a huge commitment rendered me childish in my own judgment of myself. I am finally ready to grow up and act as a mother should act... as a doting wife and mother.

I just wish I weren't such a ball of nerves right now. Not because I am fearful of being married to the person who claimed my heart so long ago. But because I'm getting married! I can't explain it any other way that would make more sense to you. But it makes sense to me.

So long and adieu, Miss Clota Lynn Wilkerson... you are to be replaced by Mrs. Clota Lynn Stoffel soon. Nice knowing you!

Current Mood: anxious
Current Location: Weatherford, TX
Current Music: "Heaven Knows" by Squeeze

I now have a new mobile - a HTC HD2 - and I'm still trying to get used to it.

Also, please remove hellsphreak@tmail.com from your address book, and add clota.lynn@gmail.com.

Posting will commence once I get the hang of this thing!

Current Mood: content

What the hell is it with people, men, women and children alike? What gives you the God-given right to judge people on their appearance? To stare and jeer, point and laugh? Does it make you feel like a better, bigger (no pun intended) person to lower the self-esteem of fat people?

Yes, that is right, I said fat. I reserve the right to use that word as freely as I damn well please, because I am a fat person. Obese? That's just a medically nicer way of calling you fat. Fat by another name is still just as fat. Moving on...

Now, what I don't get is why can't a person be given a chance in hell because of who s/he is rather than because of how s/he looks? Can't anyone see beyond the cover, and read the pages to gain an attraction? I've often discarded several books because the title and picture in front wasn't catchy... then I would give them a shot.. And you know what? These books were fucking awesome! I berated myself for tossing them to begin with, which made me no better than a man who turns his eyes away the minute a fat woman comes across his line of sight!

Sure, you tell me I am outraged because I am a fat person. If I were thin, I wouldn't be giving this so much as a second thought. Well, guess what? That would be where you are wrong! As a kid, I was a very lean and fast (as in running, you perverts!) girl. I was a looker, by all means! I have photos to prove it! But, even then, I was infuriated every time I heard snide remarks about fat kids, ugly kids, stupid kids. I would come to their defense right quick, and try my best to make the person of the scorn feel better. It is not because I'm fat that I sympathize with others like myself; it is that I give a good goddamn about how people are treated!

Not long ago, I read that a certain person prefers to have a woman smaller than himself. Just another way of saying, "I don't want a fat woman." Fortunately, I know this person enough to know he didn't mean it in a demeaning way; He simply prefers his mate to be smaller. I guess that is understandable - who would want to be crushed under the weight of a fat person? But he at least does not shun fat people. Rather, he treats them with respect. For that, he earns brownie points with me!

If anyone I date tells me, "I will not marry you until you lose weight, because I want my woman healthy so that I can outlive you...because I love you too much to have you die first!" I would smack that bastard in the face so hard his head spins, and I will never speak to him again!

There are millions of fat people. We are not going to go away. Deal with us, and show us the respect you seem to reserve for your thinner counterparts.. We are fat and we are beautiful!

Fuck you for thinking otherwise.

Current Mood: frustrated

Three more days before I hit the road to Texas. I have mixed feelings about this. I am sad to leave behind all the wonderful new friends I have made, especially Carla, Paul, Tracy and Michael. I wil sorely miss Carla's girls and Tracy's wild bunch of fun. I will miss Deaf Fellowship, the church and Pastor Rocky.

Everybody here has been very generous and sweet. There has been moments, but in life, there are always moments. The good has far outweighted any bad times.

Thank you, Carla, for all your support, for allowing my girls and I to be a part of your family, and for the honor of allowing me to get to know you. We both are different, more than day and night, but we made it work, and I will be eternally grateful unto you and Paul for all that you have done for my little family. Neither you and Paul, and your girls, will be forgotten.

It pains me to go, more than I let on, but I know you all understand my needs and that of my son's. Still, I cry a little until I fall asleep, knowing that I'm leaving the safety and security, and friendships that I have formed in the last 8 months.

You all will be in my heart, always....

Current Mood: sad
Current Location: Lewisburg, TN

I am going to be attempting a trip to Texas on August 1st, and staying for about 4 days.

I have not touched Texas soil since December... That's the longest ever for me.

Wish me luck.

Current Mood: awake
Current Location: Lewisburg, TN

Been some time since I updated last. Life interferes with LJ... how dare it?!

I cannot stop pooping. I do not mean diarrhea or constipation. I mean your regular run-of-the-mill pooping. I do not know where the hell it hides, or how it can hold so much poop. Nearly every hour, I'm cussing at my colon.. What the fucking fuck, colon?! You have to release a shitbomb again?? Srsly, quit it! Really, it's getting ridiculous.

Michael is off to school once again. We are considering buying a home soon. 30k, one thousand down, rent is approximately $300 a month. House needs a lot of work, but he and I are able. Well, he can fix things and I can break stuff for him to fix. I somehow doubt he would find that amusing... Anyway, I will update on that once I know more.

Those FML feeds is getting on my nerves lately. Seriously, who cares if you spent a bazillion dollars preparing a proposal scene; she had the balls to propose instead, and money can't buy that kind of love! Get over it, asswipe.

Zara all of a sudden cannot live without the yellow baby blanket she's had since before birth. This happened overnight, it seems. At least she isn't sucking on her thumb or pacifier like some other toddlers I've seen. Up here, babies get spoiled.

Zoya is her usual follow-the-leader self. I wish she would be her own person, and be a leader, but that's her personality, who am I to try to change who she is?

Zebediah is okay, as far as I know. Fractured his leg when Mary's huge 52" TV fell on it. Don't ask.

And then the colon calls...again. Argh!

Current Mood: awake
Current Location: Lewisburg, TN

I just deleted some readers. But I did it on my phone, so if you find yourself removed, comment here and I will see if I accidentally deleted you. If I did, you will be re-added immediately. If you get no response/action, then that means I really didn't want you on my FL anymore.

Nothing personal.

I am trying to raise as much money as possible for the week of March 22 to 27th. Amy is coming to visit me (she will arrive on the 23rd), and I will have to pick her up in Nashville (about an hour away). Then on the 25th, I have to make yet another trip to Nashville to drop off my roommate at the airport. Finally, on the morning of the 27th, I will, once again, return to Nashville, to drop off Amy at the bus station. Hours later, late evening, I have to make yet another and final trip back to Nashville.... to pick up my roommate from the airport. That is two hours driving time per trip. Which makes it 8 hours, total. And the van is a huge gas guzzler....

So, you see, I am trying to raise as much as I can. If you are willing, I am once again posting a site that has paid me several times simply for doing offers or for referrals. None of my referrals are active, but I did earn $0.50 for each sign-up, and I was able to withdraw that into my PayPal.

You do not have to complete any offers or enter any contests/games, if you do not want to. All I ask is that you sign up under my referral link. Simple as that. Of course, I strongly encourage you to read the FAQs and instructions on how to complete offers/contests/games and give it a shot, yourself. I do not care that you do anything that would give me extras, I simply want you to sign-up.

Thanks all!!

Current Mood: anxious

This post is in honor of a very special, close friend of mine.

For nearly six years, this woman has toiled over her studies. So many times, she has wanted to just quit because the workload was so overwhelming. She faced several hard obstacles throughout the years. She has had to deal with her youngster's potential learning disabilities, as well as run a single-family household. She has had to deal with her own mental exhaustion and loneliness.

She fought, tooth and nails, to get to where she is today. Many a times, I have had to listen to her whine about how she wanted the semester to be over, already. I have had to listen to her rant about her professors, her classes, her grades. I have had to reassure her and keep her going. I have had to push her education on her, beg her to continue, to finish.

Through it all, she stuck it out, even when she felt like she could do no more. She braved the odds and defeated each huge hurdle that she encountered along the way.

That woman is now graduating in May from the University of Texas at Arlington. Not only that, she is also graduating in the top 1% of all May graduates.

She, my friends, is graduating with the highest honors of Magna Cum Laude with a Bachelor's in Education.

Please extend your warmest, sincerest congratulations to my friend, Miss Opal Luedke!

green_slave

CONGRATULATIONS, OPAL!!!!

Current Mood: ecstatic

...I actually got paid via PayPal!

At first, I thought it might be bullshit. But what have I got to lose, but my time?
So I spammed (yes, I spammed! I've become a spammer!) for a week and half. Reached the minimum pay-out, and requested to be paid this morning.

I just now checked. It's there. In my PayPal. All $20.90 of it (plus more from other resources, such as DollarSurvey.net and Cashle.com).

Holy shit. I got paid!

Too bad I cannot withdraw that money and have it in my pockets. But I can at least use it to buy stuff I need online, yes?

Holy shit. I got paid for being a spammer!

And I don't feel bad about it. I do not even mind getting spam anymore, I just chuckle and delete 'em.

Just as others delete mine.

I. Got. Paid!

*cough*

On The Outside Chance You're Interested...

And because I really like this site a lot...

Open to all post on the outside chance someone would google something and come across my post. :-P

I am shameless. Shameless, I tells ya!

Current Mood: cheerful

I recently read two books in the last three days. Both of them has hit me hard in their own way.

The first is:

Mentor: The Kid & The CEO by Tom Pace. Fiction
This book is a very, very easy read. It is awesome, inspirational and makes me want to get out there and start doing something to improve the quality of my life and that of my daughters'. The language is the cleanest I've ever read, and Pace gives it to us straight. If you are in need of some wisdom, some inspiration, or just a very easy, entertaining read, I strongly recommend this book. I finished it in less than a day; it was that good!

And now to the second:

The Girl Next Door by Jack Ketchum. Fiction.
If "splashpunk" is your thing, this is a definite choice. But, beware, it deals with extremely sensitive nature, such as child abuse. I know many of you have read a lot of books about child abuse, but this is more than I have ever dealt with, and I am not easily fazed by much of anything, even the most grisly. Ketchum's description of the abuse is very gory, violent and heartrending. I found myself clenching my fists and toes at certain parts, pleading with this boy to end the craziness, and dreaded the next page, not knowing what Ketchum would hit me with next. If you are highly sensitive and have a weak stomach, do not pick up a copy of this book. I am not kidding. Only the brave, the guttiest, the courageous and the hardiest should ever give this book a shot. Also a fascinating read (the old adage in play here: Want to look away but cannot...), enough that I could not put it down and thus finished it in a day.

PS: I included links in the titles for your convenience. I am that nice. :-P

Current Mood: contemplative

A few days ago, I signed up with this one site, but forgot about it. I got a reminder yesterday, and I went back there... After I studied the FAQs, and the blogs about how to do this, I got going...

Well, as of today, a total of $5.38 has been POSTED into my PayPal!

It is silly-easy, but it does take patience. You complete brief surveys and offers. The thing is you don't have to COMPLETE the offers. You just click on the offers, let them load up completely, then go to the next page of the original page (silver/gold/platinum). After you've clicked on all the offers it tells you to (2 to 6 offers), you go back to Cashle (everything opens in a new window) and claim the offer as completed.

You just need ONE DOLLAR accumulated to withdraw money into your PayPal (or whatever else you have... There are a few other "online bank" things they work with).

Most surveys are from 20 cents to 90 cents. Some are over a dollar... Anyway, I'm enthralled, yay!

Just make sure you read all the FAQs about how to do the surveys/offers carefully. Much simpler than you think. Really! And I'm on dial-up, think about that.

Current Mood: happy

I just made peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies, baked to perfection.

These cookies are so devastatingly succulent and decadent, it should be outlawed!

I. Rock. Period.

Lately, all I have been doing is internet surveys and PTC/PTRM (Paid To Click/Paid To Read Mail). Laugh all you want, but I will tell you this much - I have been paid several times through PayPal in the last two weeks just by participating and clicking, you have no idea! This has been such a lifesaver, I am able to purchase what I need online using the moneys that has been deposited in my PayPal just for this cause. It is not much, but it helps! It would be nice to be able to transfer these funds to a bank or, at the very least, have a PayPal card I can use. But since I do not have a banking account or PayPal card for this account, I buy online.

I'm going to slap you silly with a few referral links below, just because I can. Well, I would be GRATEFUL if you signed up under my referral, because I get paid some percentage (and no, they do not take it out of YOURS), so it is just something I thought I would do here, just this once. Skip over this, if you want. Oh wait, I didn't say anything until the very end, so now you are fucked. Bwahaha!

*ahem*

Cash4Free

Okay, that is it for now... :-P

Current Mood: complacent

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If I had a choice, I would go to bed late AND wake up late. As it is, my body is not attuned for such lengthy sleep cycles. The most I can hope for is 6 hours, with half an hour of wakefulness sometime during the night.

Basically, I can pass out at 8:30PM, wake up at Midnight, go back to sleep at 2AM, then up again at 5:30AM. And I don't really sleep. I sleep so lightly, I am never really rested.

I can also pass out after Midnight, awaken some 4 hours later, return to bed soon enough and then up again at 5:30 or 5:15. Sometimes 6:15AM, if I am lucky.

Sleep and I are not exactly on friendly terms at the moment.

Current Mood: tired

*kills

uniquieheart for tagging everybody. Damn you!! Haha*

001. Real name → Clota
002. Nickname(s) → CC, Phreak
005. Male or female → Female
006. Elementary → Waverly Park
007. Middle School → Stripling/TSD
008. High School → Austin/TSD
009. College → Oh man.. TCCC, Hill, ACC
010. Hair color → Dark brown, naturally
011. Long or short → Eh... long?
012. Loud or Quiet → People say I'm loud
013. day or night → Day
014. Phone or Camera → Phone
015. Health freak → Sure, I eat to my health. Every day. *grabs some beef jerky*
017. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yup
018. Eat or Drink → Drink
019. Piercings → gauged lobes, septum, 3rd eye
020. Tattoos → Two
021. Water or Fire → Fire
022. Love of your life or 4 billion dollars → Are you insane... 4 billion FTW!

FIRSTS:
023. First fear → Water
024. First best friend → Nikki Mitchell
025. First award→ I got so many awards, I can't even remember my first
026. First crush → Steven Anthony Thornburg (yes, I still remember!)
027. First pet → Dixie
028. First big vacation → Buffalo, NY
030. First big birthday → Maybe when I was 8

CURRENTLY:
049. Eating → Had an Arby's Melt about 2 hours ago
050. Drinking → Pepsi
052. I'm about to → do nothing
053. Listening to → silence
054. Plans for today → all my plans have been taken care of for the day
055. Waiting for → moar moolah
056. Thinking of → Not saying
057. Want to → Not saying, either

YOUR FUTURE:
058. Want kids?→ I have 3... One more, I kill myself, hear?
059. Want to get married? → Yes
060. What careers do you have in mind?→ Journalism, Sociology, Social Work, Novelist
061. College? → I hope to go back and get that ever elusive Associate's
062. House → Oh please please please, someone gimme a house!
063. Car? → Hyundai Tiburon or the new RWD Tiburon, the Genesis
064. World Traveling? → Oh yes
065. What do you think it'll be like? → What does "it" imply?

WHICH IS BETTER FOR A GIRL/BOY?
066. Eye color → What kind of dumbfuck question is this
067. Sporty or Sidelines? → Neither?
068. Lips or eyes → Eyes, definitely
070. Shorter or taller? → TALLLLLLLL
072. Romantic or spontaneous → Both, I suppose
073. Nice stomach or nice arms → Don't fucking care
074. Sensitive or loud → Too sensitive, you will drive me away
075. Hook-up or relationship → Take what I can get, yessir!
077. Trouble maker or hesitant → Always had a magnet for troublemakers

HAVE YOU EVER:
080. Lost glasses/contacts → Yup. Hundreds of times
081. Ran away from home → No
082. Hold a gun/knife for self defense → Kinda. Sorta...... Long story.
083. Killed somebody → Only in my head
084. Been heartbroken → Oh yes
085. Been arrested → Yup and yup
087. Cried when someone died → Yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
089. Yourself → Yes
090. Miracles → No such thing
091. Love at first sight → I am not quite sure
092. Heaven → Nope. State of mind.
093. Believe in the tooth fairy → HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
094. Sex on the first date → Depends
095. Kiss on the first date → Depends

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now → Yes. Very much.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life → Not the slightest
099. Do you believe in God → Nope. Mass hysteria!
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 5 people and why→ Everyone!

Today I got my Tennessee Driver's License! In Texas, they mail it out to you within 2-3 weeks. Here, you get it on the same day that your photo is taken.

I think I have mentioned this before, but my original birth certificate was filled incorrectly. The first one, I was Clouda and born on 11 June. The second correction: Clota, 11 June. Finally, the third one was correct.

Unfortunately, I only have the second one in my possession. So, Tennessee marked my birthday as 11 June, on my TNDL. Haha! HAHA!!

Another amusing fact - on my new health insurance card, it says my birth year is 1979. Two years off. How this happened, I have no clue.

I am sure the legal system, somewhere, is completely confused about all that is me!

Current Mood: amused

Ganked from

wizwom, because he does mine and he r0cks!

01. DO YOU LIKE BLUE CHEESE SALAD DRESSING? Hell no. Ugh!!
02. HAVE YOU EVER SMOKED HEROIN? Never, ever and never will
03. DO YOU OWN A GUN? Nope, and I probably can't. I'm listed as mentally ill in Texas
04. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DRINK AT STARBUCKS OR OTHER SPECIALTY COFFEE SHOP? Iced Chai Tea with Soy
05. DO YOU GET NERVOUS BEFORE DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS? Not that I can remember
06. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HOT DOGS? I hate hot-dogs. Grilled on the BBQ is okay. Chili dogs are FTW.
07. FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG? Jingle Bell Rocks
08. WHAT DO YOU PREFER TO DRINK IN THE MORNING? Coffee
09. CAN YOU DO PUSH UPS? Nope, not one single push-up
10. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF JEWELRY? Well, my favorite is long gone. I still have the Claddagh ring I got in 2000. On my thumb.
11. FAVORITE HOBBY? Crocheting and reading
12. DO YOU HAVE A.D.H.D? A Dog Headed Dog? No....
13. WHAT'S ONE TRAIT THAT YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF? I am far too cynical
14. MIDDLE NAME? Lynn
15. NAME 3 THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW? I need to win an Amazon.com gift certificate. I hope Miss Zara is in a much better mood by tomorrow. I want my own place!
16. NAME 3 DRINKS YOU REGULARLY DRINK? Coffee, Coca-Cola, Pepsi
17. THE FRIEND YOU HAD THE LONGEST? Debbie Weaver (nee Kilgore) - known her since I was five
18. CURRENT HATE RIGHT NOW? Tennessee
19. FAVORITE PLACE TO BE? Buffalo, New York
20. HOW DID YOU BRING IN THE NEW YEAR? I didn't bring it in; I got brought.
21. DO YOU LIKE TO TRAVEL? Out of State, yes
22. NAME THREE PEOPLE WHO WILL COMPLETE THIS. Probably not a single person. wizwom is about the only one who ever does, and he already completed this meme. Wow, I didn't even read his responses until I copied/pasted and changed the answers to my own. How did you know I would respond.... *blink* :-P
23. DO YOU OWN SLIPPERS? One, and I never wear them. They are old, blue and ugly
24. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? I have three on. Bottom layer: long-sleeved green, middle layer: short-sleeved black t-shirt, top layer: long-sleeved bright orange sweater. It is COLD in this house, okay?!
25. DO YOU LIKE SLEEPING ON SATIN SHEETS? Never have, so I wouldn't know.
26. CAN YOU WHISTLE? Nope, never could learn how to
27. FAVORITE COLOR? Neon Green, bright orange, black
28. WOULD YOU BE A PIRATE? No. I don't have the stamina for it. Or the sexy body.
29. WHAT SONGS DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? I used to sing in the shower, but I haven't in over a year
30. FAVORITE GIRLS NAME? Zoya and Zara (yes, I'm biased.)
31. FAVORITE BOYS NAME? Zebediah (biiiiased)
32. WHAT'S IN YOUR POCKET RIGHT NOW? Carmex, pack of smokes and an orange lighter. I never go anywhere without these three, even if I am going to the restroom
33. WHAT IS THE LAST THING THAT MADE YOU LAUGH? Myself. I said something stupid while drunk on vodka and coke the other night
34. BEST BED SHEETS AS A CHILD? It was a purple horse comforter and sheet set
35. WORST INJURY YOU'VE EVER HAD? Cesarean section. It is considered an injury!
36. DO YOU LOVE WHERE YOU LIVE? I like this house, but HATE the city and State.
37. HOW MANY TVS DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR HOUSE? Three, none of it is mine. Mine is sitting in the shed back in Texas
38. WHO IS YOUR LOUDEST FRIEND? How the hell would I know?!
39. HOW MANY PETS DO YOU HAVE? None. My last pet died almost a year ago. Roommate has 6 indoor cats, 1 outdoor cat and a dog
40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF FURNITURE? Eh...I don't know.
41. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK? I have too many favorites. Off the top of my head? Good Omens by Neil Gaiman
42. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY? Reese's Cups and Reese's pieces. Carmello.. Man I need chocolate.
44. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT 12A.M. LAST NIGHT? Asleep on the couch. Woke up at 12:33am and went upstairs to bed.
45. WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT OF WHEN YOU WOKE UP THIS MORNING?Fuck, I wanna sleep more!!

Current Mood: bored

[Error: unknown template qotd]August 17, 2008.

Current Mood: sad

While Tuscon, AZ Superbowl fans were watching the Superbowl on TV, they received an unexpected and tintillating surprise - p0rn!

Too funny!

That was really fucking embarrassing.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are
1
or fewer people with my name in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Current Mood: amused

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi. He climbs into the car, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Archie."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Archie Hobday. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Archie every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Archie. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more, he had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then?"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Archie."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his flippin' widow."

Current Mood: amused

Rules:
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

I'm just going to make this fast and short. You probably would already know most of this.

1. I am deaf.
2. I have three children.
3. I had one miscarriage.
4. I am single.
5. I just moved to Tennessee.
6. I was born and raised in Texas.
7. My favorite colors are orange and neon green.
8. I prefer heavy/black metal over any other genre of music.
9. I have never been married.
10. I am an avant garde animal lover.
11. My favorite animal is the snake.
12. I have owned a total of four snakes.
13. I have two tattoos, and I want more. Much more.
14. I can type 116 WPM without errors.
15. I am a big geek.
16. I prefer Linux over Windows.
17. My favorite place in the world is Buffalo, NY.
18. I am an avid reader.
19. I write stories, poems and lyrics.
20. I prefer to drive a 5-speeder.
21. I am a fan of horror, B-Rated movies, comedies, and indie films.
22. All my children's names begin with the letter "Z".
23. I am 3 or 4 credits shy of graduating with an Associates in Social Work.
24. I love receiving and sending snail mail.
25. I am out of ideas for this damn meme.

I tag: 25 of you. I'm too lazy to list anyone in particular.

Current Mood: tired

The Guardian's list of F&SF books you should read before you die.

The rules of the meme are familiar: bold the books one has read, italicize the ones on the pile to be read, ~~strikethrough the ones you wouldn't be caught dead with and/or violently disagree with~~.

**Most of these books I have never heard of and know nothing about, thus it didn't make my "to read" list. This meme is helpful to me in that it will give me a to-read list and I can update it as soon as I read more.

1. Douglas Adams: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (1979)

2. Brian W Aldiss: Non-Stop (1958)

3. Isaac Asimov: Foundation (1951)

4. Margaret Atwood: The Blind Assassin (2000)

5. Paul Auster: In the Country of Last Things (1987)

6. Iain Banks: The Wasp Factory (1984)

7. Iain M Banks: Consider Phlebas (1987)

8. ~~Clive Barker: Weaveworld (1987)~~

9. Nicola Barker: Darkmans (2007)

10. Stephen Baxter: The Time Ships (1995)

11. Greg Bear: Darwin's Radio (1999)

12. Alfred Bester: The Stars My Destination (1956)

13. Poppy Z Brite: Lost Souls (1992)

14. Algis Budrys: Rogue Moon (1960)

15. Mikhail Bulgakov: The Master and Margarita (1966)

16. Edward Bulwer-Lytton: The Coming Race (1871)

17. Anthony Burgess: A Clockwork Orange (1960) (Seen the movie a few times.)

18. Anthony Burgess: The End of the World News (1982)

19. Edgar Rice Burroughs: A Princess of Mars (1912)

20. William Burroughs: Naked Lunch (1959)

21. Octavia Butler: Kindred (1979)

22. Samuel Butler: Erewhon (1872)

23. Italo Calvino: The Baron in the Trees (1957)

24. Ramsey Campbell: The Influence (1988)

25. Lewis Carroll: Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (1865)

26. Lewis Carroll: Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There (1871)

27. Angela Carter: Nights at the Circus (1984)

28. Michael Chabon: The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay (2000)

29. Arthur C Clarke: Childhood's End (1953)

30. GK Chesterton: The Man Who Was Thursday (1908)

31. Susanna Clarke: Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell (2004)

32. Michael G Coney: Hello Summer, Goodbye (1975)

33. Douglas Coupland: Girlfriend in a Coma (1998)

34. Mark Danielewski: House of Leaves (2000)

35. Marie Darrieussecq: Pig Tales (1996)

36. Samuel R Delaney: The Einstein Intersection (1967)

37. Philip K Dick: Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (1968)

38. Philip K Dick: The Man in the High Castle (1962)

39. Umberto Eco: Foucault's Pendulum (1988)

40. Michel Faber: Under the Skin (2000)

41. John Fowles: The Magus (1966)

42. Neil Gaiman: American Gods (2001)

43. Alan Garner: Red Shift (1973)

44. William Gibson: Neuromancer (1984)

45. Charlotte Perkins Gilman: Herland (1915)

46. William Golding: Lord of the Flies (1954)

47. Joe Haldeman: The Forever War (1974)

48. M John Harrison: Light (2002)

49. Robert A Heinlein: Stranger in a Strange Land (1961)

50. Frank Herbert: Dune (1965)

51. Hermann Hesse: The Glass Bead Game (1943)

52. Russell Hoban: Riddley Walker (1980)

53. James Hogg: The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified Sinner (1824)

54. Michel Houellebecq: Atomised (1998)

55. Aldous Huxley: Brave New World (1932)

56. Kazuo Ishiguro: The Unconsoled (1995)

57. Shirley Jackson: The Haunting of Hill House (1959)

58. Henry James: The Turn of the Screw (1898)

59. PD James: The Children of Men (1992)

60. Richard Jefferies: After London; Or, Wild England (1885)

61. Gwyneth Jones: Bold as Love (2001)

62. Franz Kafka: The Trial (1925)

63. Daniel Keyes: Flowers for Algernon (1966)

64. Stephen King: The Shining (1977)

65. Marghanita Laski: The Victorian Chaise-longue (1953)

66. Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu: Uncle Silas (1864)

67. Stanislaw Lem: Solaris (1961)

68. Doris Lessing: Memoirs of a Survivor (1974)

69. David Lindsay: A Voyage to Arcturus (1920)

70. Ken MacLeod: The Night Sessions (2008)

71. Hilary Mantel: Beyond Black (2005)

72. Michael Marshall Smith: Only Forward (1994)

73. Richard Matheson: I Am Legend (1954)

74. Charles Maturin: Melmoth the Wanderer (1820)

75. Patrick McCabe: The Butcher Boy (1992)

76. Cormac McCarthy: The Road (2006)

77. Jed Mercurio: Ascent (2007)

78. China Miéville: The Scar (2002)

79. Andrew Miller: Ingenious Pain (1997)

80. Walter M Miller Jr: A Canticle for Leibowitz (1960)

81. David Mitchell: Cloud Atlas (2004)

82. Michael Moorcock: Mother London (1988)

83. William Morris: News From Nowhere (1890)

84. Toni Morrison: Beloved (1987)

85. Haruki Murakami: The Wind-up Bird Chronicle (1995)

86. Vladimir Nabokov: Ada or Ardor (1969)

87. Audrey Niffenegger: The Time Traveler's Wife (2003)

88. Larry Niven: Ringworld (1970)

89. Jeff Noon: Vurt (1993)

90. Flann O'Brien: The Third Policeman (1967)

91. Ben Okri: The Famished Road (1991)

92. Chuck Palahniuk: Fight Club (1996)

93. Thomas Love Peacock: Nightmare Abbey (1818) -

94. Mervyn Peake: Titus Groan (1946)

95. John Cowper Powys: A Glastonbury Romance (1932)

96. Christopher Priest: The Prestige (1995)

97. François Rabelais: Gargantua and Pantagruel (1532-34)

98. Ann Radcliffe: The Mysteries of Udolpho (1794)

99. Alastair Reynolds: Revelation Space (2000)

100. Kim Stanley Robinson: The Years of Rice and Salt (2002)

101. ~~JK Rowling: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (1997)~~

102. Salman Rushdie: The Satanic Verses (1988)

103. Antoine de Sainte-Exupéry: The Little Prince (1943)

104. José Saramago: Blindness (1995)

105. Will Self: How the Dead Live (2000)

106. Mary Shelley: Frankenstein (1818)

107. Dan Simmons: Hyperion (1989)

108. Olaf Stapledon: Star Maker (1937)

109. Neal Stephenson: Snow Crash (1992)

110. Robert Louis Stevenson: The Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde (1886)

111. Bram Stoker: Dracula (1897)

112. Rupert Thomson: The Insult (1996)

113. Mark Twain: A Connecticut Yankee at King Arthur's Court (1889)

114. Kurt Vonnegut: Sirens of Titan (1959) (Need to read again.)

115. Robert Walser: Institute Benjamenta (1909)

116. Sylvia Townsend Warner: Lolly Willowes (1926)

117. Sarah Waters: Affinity (1999)

118. HG Wells: The Time Machine (1895)

119. HG Wells: The War of the Worlds (1898)

120. TH White: The Sword in the Stone (1938) (Read this before I discovered the real Arthurian mythos.)

121. Gene Wolfe: The Book of the New Sun (1980-83)

122. John Wyndham: Day of the Triffids (1951)

123. John Wyndham: The Midwich Cuckoos (1957)

124. Yevgeny Zamyatin: We (1924)

Current Mood: apathetic

This morning, after a short nap (in which I had my very first realistic, sexual dream of Vin Diesel... don't ask.), I took one step downstairs and finished the rest of the trip on my ass. There are about 10 to 15 steps. I slid-bounced down approximately 10 to 12 of them.

My ass. It hurts.

:-(

Current Mood: embarrassed

From What Privileges Do You Have?
Bold what is for you.

1. Father went to college
2. Father finished college
3. Mother went to college
4. Mother finished college
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers.
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home.
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home.
9. Were read children's books by a parent
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
16. Went to a private high school
17. Went to summer camp
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
21. Your parents bought you a car
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child
23. You and your family lived in a single-family house
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home
25. You had your own room as a child
26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18
27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course
28. Had your own TV in your room in high school
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college
30. Flew on a commercial airline before you turned 16
31. Went on a cruise with your family
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

I really do not know why I am bothering with a blogpost tonight. I have nothing to say and nothing to contribute of substance. I just feel like typing down words that would either have little or no meaning, or somehow become significant throughout the entry.

I feel completely alone and alienated tonight. Yes, I have been feeling that way ever since I moved out here, but even more so tonight. I do not know why. I am so far away from everybody. I was recently dumped, which just refueled my feelings of rejection. The last time I had been dumped was by Jeff (

insolent_pool) and it did not hit me half as hard as this one did. Perhaps because I knew Jeff was way too young to take on a ready-made family to begin with. Regardless, I have been dumped and I feel unworthy of anyone and anything. Granted, it is only a feeling that one experiences for a brief period of time after being dumped, but it is here now and that is how I am feeling at the moment.

I want to go back to when things were going well for me. I want to go back to when I was still in college and living on my own with Zoya. I want to go back to the first couple of months when Teddy came back into our lives. I want to go back to the night that Zara was born, before we knew the CPS was after our asses. I want to go back to the first two weeks I lived in Oklahoma. I want to go back to all the times when I was happy and content and worry-free.

I am so tired. I have not been doing much of anything, but I am tired. I am having to rebuild my life for the umpteenth time, and it is tiring. This time, it is especially harder because I am now in a different State, away from everybody except my childhood friend. I love and appreciate her so much, but she is the only person I know in this entire State. And I have friends from all over the USA. Go figure.

I should stop harping on about being so far away from everyone. I should be happy that a friend took my girls and I in and gave us a safe, secure place to live. And I am. Believe me, I am! Very much so.

I just do not know how much strength I have left in me to keep going. To keep convincing myself to not give up. Before you get the wrong idea, I am not considering suicide. I cannot - I have a brand new baby to rear and a 10 year old girl who is entirely dependent on me because I am the only constant thing in her life right now. When I say "give up" I mean in an emotional and mental way.

Truth is I am terrified. Opal has always wanted to just up and leave, and start anew, but she has always been afraid to do just that. I did it, and I'm just now becoming scared. I do not understand it, but that is that.

I need to start working on my long-abandoned novel again. I seem to have lost a few chapters that I had added on. Thankfully, I have the hard-copy for the first three chapters. Teach me to save my work on e-mail or something because HDs and FD/TD/JD are not very reliable.

Well, the last two people I was chatting with has gone on to bed and Opal is not around, so I might as well just shut this thing down and watch another movie....

Current Mood: sad
Current Location: Chapel Hill, Tennessee

( You're about to view content that the journal owner has advised should be viewed with discretion. )

Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door
With a thousand million questions
About hate and death and war

It's where we stop and look around us
There's nothing that we need
In a world of persecution
That is burning in its greed

Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door
Because the truth is hard to swallow
That's what the hall of love is for

It's not the way that you say it
When you do those things to me
It's more the way that you mean it
When you tell me what will be

And when you stop and think about it
You won't believe it's true
That all the love you've been giving
Has all been meant for you

I'm looking for someone to change my life
I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me
To lose the love I knew
Could safely lead me through

Between the silence of the mountains
And the crashing of the sea
There lies a land I once lived in
And she's waiting there for me

But in the grey of the morning
My mind becomes confused
Between the dead and the sleeping
And the road that I must choose

I'm looking for someone to change my life
I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me
To lose the love I knew
Could lead me safely to
The land I once knew
To learn as we grow old
The secrets of our souls

It's not the way that you say it
When you do those things to me
It's more the way you really mean it
When you tell me what will be

Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door
With a thousand million questions
About hate and death and war

It's where we stop and look around us
There's nothing that we need
In a world of persecution
That is burning in its greed

Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Location: room
Current Music: Moody Blues - Question

...here is a public post.

Happy Birthday, James Anthony Patterson!*

*Full name posted to prevent getting slammed by the James Patterson (author) fans for royally screwing up his birthdate

Current Mood: content
Current Location: Porch

Predictify, Inc. - a seemingly wacky site where you predict future events and get paid if you are right
Best Web Designer On Earth - This guy has issues...Read everything, including the small font at the end. The page is short, honestly.
The underwater world of Antarctica - really gorgeous shots of Antarctica
Not Martha - Bacon Cups... I'm gonna try this when I can!

Current Mood: bored

Today, Teddy sat me down and asked me this question: Do you want this baby? Do you want to be pregnant?

Taken aback by the question, I stared at him and said yes, I do want the baby, but no... I do not want to be pregnant. Unfortunately, I cannot have one without the other. I asked him why he felt he needed to ask me such a question.

Because, like your mom and I have been discussing, it seems like you just don't care, and there is something wrong but you aren't saying shit.

I told him that just because I keep my complaints to myself, unlike he who whinges at the slightest cut, it doesn't mean that I don't care about my situation.

You want to know what is wrong with me every single day? Fine, I will tell you: Every morning, I wake up to unbearably sore hips because the weight of my stomach puts pressure on my hips when I lay down on my sides. I can't lay on my back because then I feel like I'm suffocating under even greater pressure. When I get out of bed, my calves convulses and cramps up. Sooner or later, never missing a single day, I get bad cramps around my sides, and sometimes they are so sharp it causes panic, but I wince and let it pass. Which they always do, though it returns intermediately throughout the day. No amount of Tums can keep the heartburn attacks at bay, and I am either very constipated or loose. I walk around in great discomfort because of this, especially when nothing seems to want to come out of me, no matter how long I force myself to stay on the toilet. And though I barely do anything beyond lifting up a book to read, my body is ransacked with such sheer exhaustion, weariness and weakness that I can barely walk straight. Do you know how many times I've swaggered against those hallway walls, how many bumps I've acquired in attempts to walk straight? Let me not go into the fact that I always feel like I'm living in the midst of a burning bush. I always feel so damn hot, the fan barely takes the edge off. So, even though you complain that you get cold at nights, I keep that fan on.

But I am pregnant. I'm not as young as I used to be, and I'd abused my body all those years. All the pains and aches I'm suffering from on a daily basis is my punishment for getting myself in this predicament. It is no one's fault, but my own. Thus, I refrain from complaining. I wince and groan, and sometime cry in private, because I know that it's just a part of bearing a child, and that the aches will go away sooner or later, even tough they inevitably resurface at some point during the day. I do not complain because there isn't a damn thing you can do to alleviate any of my symptoms. And having you ask me what is wrong at every turn is more aggravating than helpful.

Am I going to tell you any of this? No. Because I don't need you to worry about me when there just isn't anything you can do. I am strong, and I know I will pull through this whether or not I choose to tell you. And I simply choose to not complain about every little ailment. When true labor starts, or when I feel that something is seriously wrong, I will alert you so that you may take me to the hospital. Here, your usefulness will be appreciated.

Until then, please stop badgering me. Seriously.

I want ice cream, and by god, I'm going to have it.

Earlier today, I had a sudden craving for Little Debbie's Swiss Cake Rolls. Normally, I am not crazy about those cakes. I'm more of a Star Crunch kind of person. But I just had to have those cakes and told Teddy as much. He swiftly, and dutifully, stood up, grabbed the car keys, and took off. Within moments, I was presented with my very own package of Swiss Rolls. Cheers for the daddy-to-be who indulges to his pregnant wife's every whim! 9 years ago, for half of the pregnancy, he was pretty much an asshole. For the last half, however, he practically changed overnight, and succumbed to whatever demands I had then. Personally, I think it was because my belly started getting larger and more noticeable, and that hit home with him. This time, it hit home right from the get-go. Either he matured over the years, or the previous pregnancy is still fresh in his memory.

By Monday, I will finally be able to grab my much-craved Big Mac. I don't even like McDonald's, but this craving has been harrassing me for days now. I tried to get

green_slave to take me to McDonald's tomorrow for lunch instead of Chili's, but she was insistent on taking me someplace nice. No big deal - that Big Mac will be all mine sooner or later!

Seems like all I have been talking about lately is pregnancy and its downfalls. There just isn't much else going on, and this is the first time I've ever been able to document everything. With Zeb and Zoya, I barely mentioned much in my journal (that is, the old-fashioned little book full of adolescent woes), and never to the public simply because I didn't have a LiveJournal account back then. That reminds me, I wonder if

jon_e_h is still around.... He was the one who introduced me to LJ. I don't even know if I got his username right. Ah well, wherever he is, I hope he is alive and happy.

EDIT: I went ahead and did a little searching. I almost had Jon's username right (missed the 'h') and he last posted in 2006. Apparently, he's married. When did this happen? Ah, I guess marriage is treating him well enough that he just doesn't post anymore. He was a great guy. Probably still is!

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hellsphreak

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The Journal of a Mechanized Subservient

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